


even if i tried (even if i wanted to)

by magicandlight, the_robin_woman



Series: The States [19]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: F/F, Georgia-centric, I love my soft lesbians very much, Lesbians!, Pride Month!, The Confederacy is bad bad bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 15:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14834913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicandlight/pseuds/magicandlight, https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_robin_woman/pseuds/the_robin_woman
Summary: It isn't a matter of knowing so much as it is a matter of accepting.





	even if i tried (even if i wanted to)

_prologue_

It isn't a matter of knowing so much as it is a matter of accepting.

She doesn't think about it at first, because surviving is the most important thing.

She doesn't think about it later, because she has finally found a family and her brothers are the most important thing.

She doesn't think about it after, not when Alfred scoops her up into his arms like a small child and names her  _Scarlett_ and tucks her into bed. She can't think about it and risk losing what she just  _got_.

She doesn't even think about it when Monty and Cam get together because she looks back at her brothers and she can't read their faces, what they think about this. She can't ask them because they would  _know_. So Scarlett shoves it back and steps back in between her brothers and forces herself to be content.   
  
  
  


_one_

The knowledge of what she is is just always there, buried in the back of her mind.

Scarlett's perfectly content to leave it there.

——————————

The war changes everything.

——————————

It's hard to find women like her.

But they are at war and Scarlett doesn't want to leave this world with regrets, so she tries.

——————————

Kissing a girl is nothing like kissing a boy.

Kissing a girl is soft. Her name is Isabella and her lips are as smooth as butter and when her tongue brushes Scarlett's lips, Scarlett parts them.

Isabella backs her up against the wall, grasping Scarlett's hips and sucking on her bottom lip and Scarlett lets out at a breathy little noise she swears she's never made before.

It makes Scarlett desperate- teeth tugging at Isabella's lip and a hand in hair and sloppily licking into her mouth.

It makes her want  _more_.

——————————

She breaks down later, sick with her own selfishness.

Scarlett avoids the Daughters of Liberty for a while, pretending she can't see the hurt in Isabella's eyes.

——————————

They win the war.

Scarlett goes home to Augusta and puts away her sword and her bullets.

She smiles at the man who brings her the letter.

Her throat closes off as she reads the name.

_You are cordially invited to the wedding of Isabella Camille Wilkes and-_

Scarlett sets the invitation down on the table.

She doesn't go.

The next week she saddles up her horse and spends the next five years in Savannah.

 

 

_two_

The rules are simple. 

The only women she touches are strangers she never sees after.

She never says what she is out loud. Rarely even allows herself to think it. 

And finally, she can like the women. She can want them. 

She can't love them. 

 

_three_

It takes  _literally_ stumbling into it to realize that Brooke is like her.

——————————

"So... you're...?"

"No." Brooke shakes her head. "Not quite. Something, but not that."

——————————

Whatever Brooke is isn't common knowledge.

Sure, everyone knows about the men- about Adrien and Phillip and the many many revolutionaries.

Phillip is a sore spot, even now, eight years later. Brooke had knocked out one of Will's teeth out when he brought it up. It'd taken an entire week for it to grow back in.

What they don't know about are the  _women,_ about the many girls she's immortalized in her sketchbooks. 

——————————

As far as Scarlett knows, there aren't any other female states like her.

She clings a little to Brooke, hesitantly offers up her stories of Isabella, is surprised when Brooke gives her stories about her own experiences.

And Scarlett is desperate, drowning in her own loneliness.

She can be forgiven for the moment of weakness when she kisses Brooke. (She can be forgiven for breaking her own rule about strangers.)

——————————

Brooke isn't offended when Scarlett ends whatever they were once the guilt and shame gets to be too much. (When she can't even look her brothers in the face in the fear that they will see the truth in her eyes.)  
  
  
  


_four_

It's a simple fact that Scarlett will choose her brothers over just about everything.

The proof is in the still-drying ink on her secession notice.

——————————

This house is a slow, suffocating death.

There is too much silence and sadness.

The truth is even more dangerous now.

——————————

 _At least Josh doesn't look at her like he wants to eat her alive_ , Scarlett thinks. 

She feels like a porcelain doll. Smile painted on, hollow chest. 

Under the table, she presses her fingernails to the scar tissue on her forearm. 

Scarlett remembers Alfred-  _I think your gift is kindness_ , he'd said.  _You always know what to say and do to make someone feel better_.

He was wrong. She isn't kind. She's a coward wrapped in politeness. A girl braver than Scarlett would have told Jackson to go to hell. Would have broken his nose when she caught him staring at her cleavage. Would use the cavalry sword on her nightstand instead of just sleeping by it.

David had raised his eyebrows at her when he saw it, but he hadn't said anything. 

Across the table, Daniel taps out morse code.  _are you okay?_

Scarlett nods.

——————————

Scarlett holds a dying boy at a battle. His life story leaks into her mind. 

His name is Christopher Alexander Pierce he is thirteen and a half from Augusta he is in love with the girl across the road he writes his mother letters every week and she'll never get another one because her son is bleeding out in Scarlett's arms. 

He realizes what she is. Realizes that he will die in his state's arms.

His eyes are still wide with surprise when his heart stops. 

Jackson tries to pull her away and she embeds her front teeth in his hand. 

Later, he laughs it off, but Scarlett doesn't forget being covered in the blood of her people and being backhanded so hard her teeth ache. 

——————————

They have a strategy meeting one day. He sits where Alfred would have sat and Evangeline hisses like a wounded tabby. 

Ginny painstaking draws maps that Daniel marks up with x-marks and symbols Scarlett forgets the meaning of. David closes his eyes and listens. 

Evangeline plots Jackson's murder aloud in French and Austin rolls his eyes and comments on the impracticality of her methods in a native tongue almost as old as he is. Jackson looks confused. Scarlett hides a smirk behind her hand. 

Flora smiles at her so brightly Scarlett's heart hurts. 

——————————

In the end, it's three things that send Scarlett's carefully constructed lie spiraling down.

Flora, an orange blossom, and a smile.

——————————

Despite everything- all the girls before- she has never wanted to risk it before.

Flora makes her want to risk it.

Almost, anyway.   
  
  


_five_

The first kiss is an accident.

The second is a  _choice_.

——————————

Neither of them should risk this.

Flora is a Catholic in denial, Scarlett is closeted.

And yet, they do. 

——————————

Flora says she can recite the bible from memory in latin and even though her tone says joke her eyes say tired. They sit under Scarlett's favorite peach tree- the one nestled so close to the house she can lean out of the guest bedroom window and pick peaches. Scarlett's head is in Flora's lap and Flora runs her fingers through Scarlett's hair and sometimes Scarlett even lets her steal a bite from the peach she's eating. 

Scarlett says  _prove it._

Flora doesn't even get halfway through before Scarlett is reaching up to curl her hands into curly dark hair and dragging her down to kiss her. The kiss tastes like peaches and divinity. 

The peach lies forgotten on the ground.

——————————

Flora's hand is tangled with hers, the only parts that touch as they lie beside each other, and Scarlett is so in love it hurts. 

"I love you."

Flora doesn't say it back, but she squeezes her hand tighter, and Scarlett understands what she means. 

 

 

_six_

"Flora?"

Flora picks another orange and settles it into the basket before she looks over.

Scarlett swallows, hands fisting into the delicate material of her skirt. "I think I'm going to tell my brothers."

Flora bites her lip, and then nods. "Alright."

Scarlett smiles (even though her brain is flooded with painful  _what ifs_ ) and plucks another orange from the tree. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Mary Lambert's She Keeps Me Warm
> 
> Eh. This probably sucks, but I wanted to write Scarlett for some reason


End file.
